Why the Small Stuff Matters- Tips from a marriage counselor

by Fernanda Lewinsky, LMHC

Why the Small Stuff Is the Big Stuff in Relationships

People love to talk about the big moments in relationships—the romantic getaways, the deep late-night convos, the tearful declarations of love. And sure, those are great, but do you know what actually determines whether a couple stays happy?

It’s not the grand gestures. It’s the tiny, everyday moments.

Noticing when your partner sighs and asking, “What’s up?” Laughing at their dumb joke. Looking up from your phone when they speak. These micro-moments might seem insignificant, but they’re actually the foundation of a strong relationship.

Dr. John Gottman, one of the most respected relationship researchers out there, calls these tiny interactions bids for connection—little ways we reach out to our partner for attention, affection, or support. And the way we respond to these bids? That’s what makes or breaks a relationship.

What Are Bids for Connection?

A bid is basically your partner saying, Hey, I want to feel close to you right now. The tricky part? These bids aren’t always obvious. Sometimes they sound like:

“Look at this funny video!” (Translation: I want to share something with you!)
“Ugh, my boss was awful today.” (Can you listen and support me?)
Lightly touches your arm while walking past. (I want to feel connected to you!)

These moments might not seem like a big deal, but over time, they add up. In fact, Gottman’s research found that couples who stay happily together turn toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time, while couples who eventually break up only do it about 33% of the time.

The Three Ways We Respond to Bids

Every time our partner makes a bid—whether it’s a text, a joke, or a simple glance—we have three choices:

Turning Toward: Engaging with the bid (e.g., “That’s hilarious! Show me another one.”)
Turning Away: Ignoring or dismissing the bid (e.g., barely looking up, giving a distracted “Oh cool”).
Turning Against: Responding with frustration or irritation (e.g., “Why are you always interrupting me?!”).

Guess which response keeps relationships strong? (Hint: It’s the first one.)

Real-Life Examples of Bids (And How to Nail Your Response)

Bid: “Look at this adorable dog video!”
- Turning Toward: “OMG, that’s adorable. Show me another!”
- Turning Away: Glances up for half a second, keeps scrolling.
- Turning Against: “You always send me pointless stuff.”
Bid: “I had such a stressful day.”
- Turning Toward: “I’m sorry, love. Want to talk about it?”
- Turning Away: “Oh. That sucks.” Continues watching TV.
- Turning Against: “You’re always complaining about work.”
Bid: Playfully bumps into you while making coffee.
- Turning Toward: Laughs and nudges back.
- Turning Away: No reaction, just keeps making coffee.
- Turning Against: “Can you not? I’m trying to do something.”

How to Strengthen Your Relationship (Without Extra Effort)

Start Noticing Bids – Your partner’s bids might be small or subtle, but they’re happening all the time. A random comment about their day? A bid. Sending you a meme? A bid. Leaning their head on your shoulder? A bid.
Put Your Phone Down (At Least for a Sec) – You don’t have to stop everything you’re doing, but even a quick “Hold on, I want to hear this” makes a difference.
Make Bids of Your Own – Relationships are a two-way street. Initiate those small moments of connection—send the meme, share the random thought, reach for their hand.
Check Your Patterns – If you find yourself turning away (or against) more than you’d like, don’t stress—just start making small changes.

The Bottom Line

A great relationship isn’t built on big moments—it’s built on tiny, everyday choices to show up, pay attention, and make your partner feel seen.

So, the next time your person reaches out—whether it’s with a silly joke, a touch, or a vent session—ask yourself:

Will I turn toward, turn away, or turn against?

Because that tiny moment? It actually really matters. 💛

Skyy Counseling