You Don’t Have to Be Fully Healed to Be in a Relationship

By Fernanda Lewinsky, LMHC

You Don’t Have to Be Fully Healed to Be in a Relationship — And Here’s Why

We’ve all heard it: “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.” It’s one of those well-intentioned phrases that floats around in the wellness space — catchy, simple, and seemingly wise. And while there’s some truth in it, it can also be misleading and, at times, even harmful.

Let’s talk about it.

As a therapist, I absolutely advocate for doing your inner work. Addressing active mental illness, managing addiction, and tending to complex trauma are all vital parts of building a stable, fulfilling life. These issues, when left untreated, can wreak havoc not only on your own wellbeing but also on your relationships. So yes — if you’re in the thick of a crisis, the relationship that most needs your attention might be the one with yourself.

But healing isn’t a destination — it’s a lifelong process. And if you’re waiting to be perfectly healed before you let love in, you might just be waiting forever.

Healing with Others, Not Just Before Others

One of the biggest myths we internalize is that we must arrive in a relationship fully “whole” — completely self-assured, perfectly secure, baggage neatly packed and stowed away. But that’s not how humans work. Especially not humans with histories of attachment wounds, trauma, or complex emotional experiences.

The truth is: some parts of you won’t even show up until you’re in a relationship.

You may not even realize your patterns until you start dating, or until intimacy begins to deepen. That anxious feeling that creeps in when someone takes too long to text back? The urge to shut down emotionally when someone gets too close? These responses live in the shadows until a relationship shines a light on them.

And that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually an opportunity.

Relationships — healthy, safe, emotionally present ones — can become containers for profound healing. They give us chances to practice trust, to set boundaries, to repair conflict, to be witnessed in our rawness, and to feel accepted anyway. They help us see ourselves through someone else’s loving eyes — sometimes long before we can see ourselves that way. But — and this is important — your partner is not your therapist. And it’s not their job to heal you.

Healing through a relationship does not mean handing your pain to someone else to fix. It means showing up, noticing your patterns, taking responsibility, and actively doing the work while being in connection. Your healing is still yours to own — your partner can support you, but they can’t do it for you.

When Is Healing Too Much?

If your healing becomes a reason to hide, isolate, or delay joy indefinitely, it might be time to pause and reassess. There’s a difference between taking time to grow and using healing as a perpetual holding pattern — waiting for some mythical moment of “readiness” that may never arrive.

Ask yourself:

• Are you using self-work as a reason to avoid vulnerability?

• Are you telling yourself you’re “not ready” out of fear of being seen in your imperfection?

• Do you believe that you’re unworthy of love until you’ve fixed every flaw?

If so, consider this your permission slip: you are allowed to live, even while you’re healing.

You’re allowed to date. You’re allowed to be messy. You’re allowed to learn through experience.

You’re allowed to be good enough — not perfect, not finished, but good enough — and still open your heart.

Give Yourself Grace

You don’t need to be perfect to be in a relationship. You need to be honest. You need to be self-aware. You need to be willing — willing to communicate, to take accountability, to keep growing alongside someone else.

Because the right person isn’t looking for your perfection. They’re looking for your presence.

So stop waiting for the “healed” version of yourself to be worthy of love. You’re worthy now. You’ve always been.

Let yourself live.